Thank you Nelly! I’ve been grieving a lovely work friend who is about to leave the team. Your prompt got me trying to put in to words what it is about the special kind of friendship that is working alongside someone day to day and the little drip feeds of their life which is unlike ‘catch up friendship’ (that’s special in a different way)….
*Lament For My Favourite Work Friend*
I know we’ll keep in touch, but “keeping in touch” is such a different friendship to the tiny, daily refills of you that I will miss so much.
Like what you watched on telly last night, and your quiet, quirky take on it,
Our debrief chats after big team meetings (which we both know are the *real* meetings),
The evolving tales of your family I’ve never met but feel I know so well,
Perspective removed from my immediate friendship circle, your story and wisdom ahead of my own,
Your texts when I’m off sick telling me I haven’t missed much (unspoken code for you are missed),
DIY projects on walls I won’t see but feel I’ve witnessed on their journey.
In-the-moment chats about everything and nothing,
And comfortable silences with cups of tea placed into each others hands at random, perfect points in the day,
I know we’ll keep in touch, but “keeping in touch” is such a different friendship to the tiny, daily refills of you that I will miss so much.
Oh Ange this is so lovely. You’ve really encapsulated the special nature of seeing somebody regularly — how rare that is in adult life, and how brilliant it is when we get to see more of all their glorious mundanity!
Some little thoughts around ‘lost friendships.’ It’s not always the case but I’m thinking how much patriarchy influences female friendships in huge and subtle ways. Patriarchy hates female friendships because they are such a force for female thriving.
Female friendships are often the light shedders on abusive men and the stepping stone created to an escape (which is why isolating a partner is such an effective tactic of entrapment). Patriarchy places the burden of household labour, childcare, parent/in-law care, the mental and emotional load on women which is why so many women can’t sustain friendships in the way they would hope to, struggling to just exist under the weight of inequality and the pressure (myth) of the ‘perfect mother/care giver.’ Patriarchy sets the scene for ‘created scarcity’ - from the ‘head cheerleader’ image (only one place available) at high school to the ‘one woman on the board’ at work. It sets women up to feel like there is competition. Competition for the male gaze, male approval, the first to break ‘glass ceilings.’ It then shames women and girls for this competition. Patriarchy knows that when women can invest in female friendships they can make connections, spot patterns, have consciousness-raising, life changing conversations. Spot that the system is rigged. And patriarchy knows that when women can invest in friendships, we want to build them even more - which means more childcare for them, more household labour, surrendering some of their desires to make more space for hers. Patriarchy, although hating female friendships, tells us we’ve somehow ‘failed’ if we don’t have them (and that we ‘should’ have lots of them…superficially) and tells us what they ‘should’ look like - like the social media pictures of nights out you weren’t on. It tells us that friendship is drinks at a bar and spa days and pillow fights rather than bear-your-heart honest sobs at the school gates and going with a friend to a GP appointment or job centre and sending a link to a badass feminist article.
I think you are so right though. And I'd never made this connection before, so thank you. I think the competitive side is a capitalist thing too, from a young age we are all told there's only so much and we need to be the best (even with sports often). Not ideal for friendships I imagine. I once said (quite publicly) that I thought female friendships were one of the reasons I love being a woman, that they were more unique and special. And I didn't mean to dismiss male friendships because I think they can be equally special. It's just that sadly I think the patriarchy makes that tricky for boys too - that care and attention for each other isn't widely encouraged. URGH to the patriarchy and capitalism. URGH.
These poems! I love In the company of women and Acknowledgements especially. Amazing 🤩
I loved this prompt. So much to reflect on. I think I’m fortunate that most of my conflicts with friends have been resolved or we have been able to move on from, even if that took years. I’ve had many many friendships fizzle out or drift away over the years, and a lot of the time I’m ok with that - those people were there for a season or two and our friendship worked for that season, but now it’s over. But oh, this one friend, I really don’t want to let go of, and she seems to be “ghosting” me and I have no idea why. It’s sad. And like we talked about on Zoom, there’s such a lack of culture and art and discussion around friendships, especially friendships that don’t last or break down. It makes it feel much more isolating than romantic or sexual breakups.
Good day all, what a wonderful haul of poems so far. I expect most saw that I wasn’t the most enamoured by this prompt (nor the fact we shall revisit the theme of friendship - what are you trying to do to me Nelly?) I have had great difficulty gaining and maintaining friendships. I nearly made a new friend last year but it didn’t work out (if you’ve read my Substack on wobbling and concerts you will understand why). It seems I’m the one now who proactively protects myself by pushing friendship away. Anyway I scoured my extensive notes and found something, I actually have written a handful of poems from that scouring but only 2 on friendship lost. As usual a longer explanation here https://open.substack.com/pub/tamchennell/p/poetry-pals-week-18-friendship-of?r=2mh4vu&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
First one.
*
Flourish
.
I have this strange desire to write,
with a flourish,
in emerald green ink,
on beautifully handmade,
mulberry petal embedded paper,
the simple words ‘Your Friendship’
and then hand it back to you.
A symbolic end to your reluctant friendship.
Sad and melodramatic, I know,
but it would make me feel better for a little while.
*********
Next one, the vitriolic one I promised Nelly and Zoe.
*
A Worms Revenge
.
You played well until your fall.
I did not see the traps you laid but I felt
their gradual creep towards me
naively unaware of their use or need.
It was a good ploy but not good enough.
You failed spectacularly,
unable to control your feelings
in order to complete your plan.
.
You are full of holes,
you leak confidence and courage,
spilling love on the ground to seep away,
unable to give it to those who need you.
Your child grows crooked in spirit and heart,
pained by a cold mother
she is nearly broken.
.
You try very hard but I am steel.
I only let in those I chose and
I recognised your ‘type’ straight away.
It is typical that you did not expect me to realise.
In your eyes I am the lowly worm and
you are the bird to pluck me from the ground.
Your plumage is faded though
the lustre sucked from your feathers
as you try to suck the life from everyone you meet.
.
You are fragile now and
I am no worm and have teeth.
I blaze and glow.
You trip yourself up with lies and conceits
and lay waste to your own traps.
You have failed: oh, have you failed.
You cannot outwit me.
The mistake was glaring.
Those poison dripping sentiments will not work.
I cannot be placated!
It will not be long now,
your world will crumble, and I will gloat!
*****
.
I’m not really as awful as I sound, 😂🤪 (but don’t cross me)
Ahh you see but I just can't help myself coz these prompts produce such great poetry. "I have this strange desire to write...in emerald green ink." There's something about your imagery that is just so on point. I can't get enough of it.
Ah well, I suppose then I need the push and I should thank you really 🤔 for making me do that which I desire not. lol. 😂 Maybe I should consider Poetry Pals my therapist. and thank you for your kind words.
Oof these are both glorious. I love the first one, it would feel like such a powerful act! And the second is fantastic, I really liked the intensity and darkness.
so i have been processing a difficult friendship, one that I am wondering if its time to say good bye and not let it go sour. but letting it go while i can remember the good times and the times when it was nourishing. I am also aware that I have some amazing women in my life, one ive known for 35 years, one who came and looked after me last weekend as my husband was out of town and I need care.
so this is my poem i've been working on
"Things they don't tell you "
When you are an adult that friendship can just STOP
That they drift
That it can be uncomfortable and messy,
That they make you feel like a little kid
Elated one moment
Left and scorned in a second
That a break up with a friend happens and that causes pain
That some friendships last a lifetime, that there is love and care
They don't tell you that friendship isn't always instant
That it takes work and can cause heart break
They also don't tell you that you can look across a room of strangers and meet a friend,
with a knowing look
A smile
A suppressed giggle
That they don't tell you what makes a friend, because Friendship is unquantifiable
Oh they really don't tell you. You've made me think about how I talk to my (older) kids about friendships. Because I think I always talk about them as being positive beautiful things. Which they can be. But maybe I also need to talk about how they can be painful and take work. Hmm, thank you. You've given me something to think about today. You've captured some really poignant points in this.
I also (can't find written) but LOVE Holli McNish's "My friends are scattered" poem...🥺🥺🥺 my friend down south sent the post of her reading it out on Instagram 💜
Oof Lisa, wow. I think this is brilliant and I like how it almost seems childlike initially with the questioning, because I think it can leave us feeling quite childlike and vulnerable - like the kid left out on the playground! when we face friendship difficulties or loss ❤️
Hi Nelly, I actually did write a poem recently about a friendship that was ending ☹️ I was angry at the time I wrote it but then realised it could also be about the feelings of love I had for her rather than resentment and frustration. You can read it (along with another couple of my poems) if you wish 🥰 Here is the link to that post, if anyone is interested... https://open.substack.com/pub/greatlittleinsights/p/well-fck-me-im-a-poet?r=3auokt&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web 🙂
LOOOOVE Flourish. Such gorgeous imagery. A Worms Revenge, though... I'm laughing and my head is swirling with it all. Fantastic poem! I can barely review it. It's just digesting 🤓
Oh Zoe, this is poignant and hopeful. ❤️ I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such a difficult thing recently too, that must be really hard ❤️ I appreciate it’s not the same but I hope having these online communities can be a comfort.
Oh Zoe, I love this, and it is so relatable!! Fuck it, you being your own best friend is the best friendship you will ever have, and I am here for that, for me too!! Thank you for sharing
Thank you Nelly! I’ve been grieving a lovely work friend who is about to leave the team. Your prompt got me trying to put in to words what it is about the special kind of friendship that is working alongside someone day to day and the little drip feeds of their life which is unlike ‘catch up friendship’ (that’s special in a different way)….
*Lament For My Favourite Work Friend*
I know we’ll keep in touch, but “keeping in touch” is such a different friendship to the tiny, daily refills of you that I will miss so much.
Like what you watched on telly last night, and your quiet, quirky take on it,
Our debrief chats after big team meetings (which we both know are the *real* meetings),
The evolving tales of your family I’ve never met but feel I know so well,
Perspective removed from my immediate friendship circle, your story and wisdom ahead of my own,
Your texts when I’m off sick telling me I haven’t missed much (unspoken code for you are missed),
DIY projects on walls I won’t see but feel I’ve witnessed on their journey.
In-the-moment chats about everything and nothing,
And comfortable silences with cups of tea placed into each others hands at random, perfect points in the day,
I know we’ll keep in touch, but “keeping in touch” is such a different friendship to the tiny, daily refills of you that I will miss so much.
https://open.substack.com/pub/angedisbury/p/lament-for-my-favourite-work-friend?r=2qii2&utm_medium=ios
Oh Ange this is so lovely. You’ve really encapsulated the special nature of seeing somebody regularly — how rare that is in adult life, and how brilliant it is when we get to see more of all their glorious mundanity!
I saw this last night and thought it fab then. Those comfortable silences are fab and they disappear when you’re apart.
Oh Ange 🥺 as a mainly self employed person, my work mates come and go so fleetingly. I very much relate to this. So sweet 💖
Love this Ange! Very relatable!
I love this topic and I have a few lost friendships.. some that fizzled due to time and distance
But some more brutal ones where I can’t work it out. This is one that’s been in my notes app for a long while :
I keep making mistakes
But I don’t know what they are
Until someone slams the brakes
On friendships built
Without boundaries
And when they are set
They no longer want to be around me
This is gorgeous Lisa, and I so get that feeling of not being able to work it out 😭
Some little thoughts around ‘lost friendships.’ It’s not always the case but I’m thinking how much patriarchy influences female friendships in huge and subtle ways. Patriarchy hates female friendships because they are such a force for female thriving.
Female friendships are often the light shedders on abusive men and the stepping stone created to an escape (which is why isolating a partner is such an effective tactic of entrapment). Patriarchy places the burden of household labour, childcare, parent/in-law care, the mental and emotional load on women which is why so many women can’t sustain friendships in the way they would hope to, struggling to just exist under the weight of inequality and the pressure (myth) of the ‘perfect mother/care giver.’ Patriarchy sets the scene for ‘created scarcity’ - from the ‘head cheerleader’ image (only one place available) at high school to the ‘one woman on the board’ at work. It sets women up to feel like there is competition. Competition for the male gaze, male approval, the first to break ‘glass ceilings.’ It then shames women and girls for this competition. Patriarchy knows that when women can invest in female friendships they can make connections, spot patterns, have consciousness-raising, life changing conversations. Spot that the system is rigged. And patriarchy knows that when women can invest in friendships, we want to build them even more - which means more childcare for them, more household labour, surrendering some of their desires to make more space for hers. Patriarchy, although hating female friendships, tells us we’ve somehow ‘failed’ if we don’t have them (and that we ‘should’ have lots of them…superficially) and tells us what they ‘should’ look like - like the social media pictures of nights out you weren’t on. It tells us that friendship is drinks at a bar and spa days and pillow fights rather than bear-your-heart honest sobs at the school gates and going with a friend to a GP appointment or job centre and sending a link to a badass feminist article.
Oooh, that grew! x
I think you are so right though. And I'd never made this connection before, so thank you. I think the competitive side is a capitalist thing too, from a young age we are all told there's only so much and we need to be the best (even with sports often). Not ideal for friendships I imagine. I once said (quite publicly) that I thought female friendships were one of the reasons I love being a woman, that they were more unique and special. And I didn't mean to dismiss male friendships because I think they can be equally special. It's just that sadly I think the patriarchy makes that tricky for boys too - that care and attention for each other isn't widely encouraged. URGH to the patriarchy and capitalism. URGH.
Ange!!! I bloody love this. Such valid and important points when we’re on this topic. Thank you for sharing 🙌🏻
Zoe ❤️❤️❤️ What a powerful testament to women together. Thank you for sharing this. And yes to chocolate bars through the letter box ❤️❤️❤️
These poems! I love In the company of women and Acknowledgements especially. Amazing 🤩
I loved this prompt. So much to reflect on. I think I’m fortunate that most of my conflicts with friends have been resolved or we have been able to move on from, even if that took years. I’ve had many many friendships fizzle out or drift away over the years, and a lot of the time I’m ok with that - those people were there for a season or two and our friendship worked for that season, but now it’s over. But oh, this one friend, I really don’t want to let go of, and she seems to be “ghosting” me and I have no idea why. It’s sad. And like we talked about on Zoom, there’s such a lack of culture and art and discussion around friendships, especially friendships that don’t last or break down. It makes it feel much more isolating than romantic or sexual breakups.
The ghost of friendship past
We go months, even years
without meeting then slip instantly back
into the ease of our teenage selves,
all those Friday nights
spent watching Bring It On.
We are bound in comfort, understanding.
Until, a shift.
The reasoning unknown to me.
My messages left on read,
suggestions of meeting up
ignored. I tell you there’s a poem
about you in my book and there’s
a brief reply of acknowledgement,
a glimmer appearing on my phone,
but since: radio silence.
Every once in a while I try to reach out,
following the journey of your surgery
on social media — sending messages
of love, which stay abandoned in the ether.
My bruised heart will keep trying
as I can’t bear the thought
that our friendship has fizzled
to nothing, not after everything.
Beautiful Erin. And that last verse 😍
Oh this captures that feeling so well. The drifting. The feeling you have either done something wrong you don’t know about or have been replaced.
This too has happened to me. I love how relatable this topic is, and yet, so diverse in experience! So well captured Ellen 💖
Oh, I felt all of this!! Heartbreakingly sad and yet so relatable!!
Good day all, what a wonderful haul of poems so far. I expect most saw that I wasn’t the most enamoured by this prompt (nor the fact we shall revisit the theme of friendship - what are you trying to do to me Nelly?) I have had great difficulty gaining and maintaining friendships. I nearly made a new friend last year but it didn’t work out (if you’ve read my Substack on wobbling and concerts you will understand why). It seems I’m the one now who proactively protects myself by pushing friendship away. Anyway I scoured my extensive notes and found something, I actually have written a handful of poems from that scouring but only 2 on friendship lost. As usual a longer explanation here https://open.substack.com/pub/tamchennell/p/poetry-pals-week-18-friendship-of?r=2mh4vu&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
First one.
*
Flourish
.
I have this strange desire to write,
with a flourish,
in emerald green ink,
on beautifully handmade,
mulberry petal embedded paper,
the simple words ‘Your Friendship’
and then hand it back to you.
A symbolic end to your reluctant friendship.
Sad and melodramatic, I know,
but it would make me feel better for a little while.
*********
Next one, the vitriolic one I promised Nelly and Zoe.
*
A Worms Revenge
.
You played well until your fall.
I did not see the traps you laid but I felt
their gradual creep towards me
naively unaware of their use or need.
It was a good ploy but not good enough.
You failed spectacularly,
unable to control your feelings
in order to complete your plan.
.
You are full of holes,
you leak confidence and courage,
spilling love on the ground to seep away,
unable to give it to those who need you.
Your child grows crooked in spirit and heart,
pained by a cold mother
she is nearly broken.
.
You try very hard but I am steel.
I only let in those I chose and
I recognised your ‘type’ straight away.
It is typical that you did not expect me to realise.
In your eyes I am the lowly worm and
you are the bird to pluck me from the ground.
Your plumage is faded though
the lustre sucked from your feathers
as you try to suck the life from everyone you meet.
.
You are fragile now and
I am no worm and have teeth.
I blaze and glow.
You trip yourself up with lies and conceits
and lay waste to your own traps.
You have failed: oh, have you failed.
You cannot outwit me.
The mistake was glaring.
Those poison dripping sentiments will not work.
I cannot be placated!
It will not be long now,
your world will crumble, and I will gloat!
*****
.
I’m not really as awful as I sound, 😂🤪 (but don’t cross me)
Ahh you see but I just can't help myself coz these prompts produce such great poetry. "I have this strange desire to write...in emerald green ink." There's something about your imagery that is just so on point. I can't get enough of it.
Ah well, I suppose then I need the push and I should thank you really 🤔 for making me do that which I desire not. lol. 😂 Maybe I should consider Poetry Pals my therapist. and thank you for your kind words.
I’ve never really ‘managed’ therapy, I’m the one they have to admit defeat on.
Oof these are both glorious. I love the first one, it would feel like such a powerful act! And the second is fantastic, I really liked the intensity and darkness.
Thank you. I did write it out but never had the courage to hand it over.
Masterpieces Tamsin! 🤩
Muchly thanks. ☺️
In a way it’s sad you have to learn how to be hard, to always be sceptical, and really only experience can do that. 😢
so i have been processing a difficult friendship, one that I am wondering if its time to say good bye and not let it go sour. but letting it go while i can remember the good times and the times when it was nourishing. I am also aware that I have some amazing women in my life, one ive known for 35 years, one who came and looked after me last weekend as my husband was out of town and I need care.
so this is my poem i've been working on
"Things they don't tell you "
When you are an adult that friendship can just STOP
That they drift
That it can be uncomfortable and messy,
That they make you feel like a little kid
Elated one moment
Left and scorned in a second
That a break up with a friend happens and that causes pain
That some friendships last a lifetime, that there is love and care
They don't tell you that friendship isn't always instant
That it takes work and can cause heart break
They also don't tell you that you can look across a room of strangers and meet a friend,
with a knowing look
A smile
A suppressed giggle
That they don't tell you what makes a friend, because Friendship is unquantifiable
it can just be a spark between two hearts.
Oh they really don't tell you. You've made me think about how I talk to my (older) kids about friendships. Because I think I always talk about them as being positive beautiful things. Which they can be. But maybe I also need to talk about how they can be painful and take work. Hmm, thank you. You've given me something to think about today. You've captured some really poignant points in this.
‘That they don't tell you what makes a friend, because Friendship is unquantifiable
it can just be a spark between two hearts.’ Lovely, honest words - the whole piece 😍
Wouldn’t it be nice to have an adult handbook with everything written down inside? Fab poem
That end is so gorgeous Mamie. I completely get this, the range of experiences amongst friendships is vast over our lifetimes! ❤️
Emily Dickinson and January Gill O'Neill both currently on my desk. You are GOOD xo
Sorry I didn't make last week, all 🙏
I love the flow of the first poem and oh my, I don't need a therapist I need a friend just hits, for me 🥺
Here's my little attempt at this week's prompt...
Lost Friend
My friend, you are lost.
To me, to yourself,
To a life rich beyond wealth.
You are lost.
A deserter of your own island.
Weathered by saddening storms,
Stranded in grief gripping thorns.
At a loss.
Can you make it home?
Starved and surviving on pure distress,
Void of resources for an SOS.
I wish I could help.
Can I help?
Send me a map and I'll send you a boat,
Alas, you won't see it, but I can hope.
No one can rescue you, but you.
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend 🙏💚
Oh Ria, this one.
I also (can't find written) but LOVE Holli McNish's "My friends are scattered" poem...🥺🥺🥺 my friend down south sent the post of her reading it out on Instagram 💜
Excellent mention, should deffo have included that in this post. It's a great poem isn't it
“Send me a map and I’ll send you a boat” 😭❤️ just utterly gorgeous, Ria!
Ria you capture the longing to help and also the powerlessness felt so effectively. Love the questions x
Aw, that’s so sad. 😞 the image of wanting to help and trying even though you know it won’t be received. Poignant
I have written my own message/poem to those friendships lost, here
https://lisaandradez.substack.com/p/on-friendships-lost
Really great Lisa x
Oof Lisa, wow. I think this is brilliant and I like how it almost seems childlike initially with the questioning, because I think it can leave us feeling quite childlike and vulnerable - like the kid left out on the playground! when we face friendship difficulties or loss ❤️
Love how you ran the thread ‘did you mean it’ through and tied it to the last couple of lines 🤍
Thank you, yeah you're right, there's definitely links there with all 3 😊
Hi Nelly, I actually did write a poem recently about a friendship that was ending ☹️ I was angry at the time I wrote it but then realised it could also be about the feelings of love I had for her rather than resentment and frustration. You can read it (along with another couple of my poems) if you wish 🥰 Here is the link to that post, if anyone is interested... https://open.substack.com/pub/greatlittleinsights/p/well-fck-me-im-a-poet?r=3auokt&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web 🙂
Hurrah to sharing. Fucj me, you are a poet!! And one happens to be about lost friendship. Amazing. Xx
Ha ha 🤣 Thank you! 🥰
I love Layered, it captures those feelings beautifully ❤️
Layered is so beautiful Eva.
I stepped away from a one sided friendship a few months ago. Your reminder is spot on - we CAN leave. ♥️
LOOOOVE Flourish. Such gorgeous imagery. A Worms Revenge, though... I'm laughing and my head is swirling with it all. Fantastic poem! I can barely review it. It's just digesting 🤓
I really liked Farewell, dear friend and let us part
Oh Zoe, this is poignant and hopeful. ❤️ I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such a difficult thing recently too, that must be really hard ❤️ I appreciate it’s not the same but I hope having these online communities can be a comfort.
Oh Zoe you capture the feelings so beautifully here x
Eee, Zoe. I completely understand as you know. “I hate you, I miss you.” Yes! Both all at the same time for ever.
I really feel you on how I can oscillate between feeling like an awesome friend and absent. Lovely poem 💖
Oh Zoe, I love this, and it is so relatable!! Fuck it, you being your own best friend is the best friendship you will ever have, and I am here for that, for me too!! Thank you for sharing